Author: Hon Sin Wiese

Baby–

I’m hardly a dramatic, hell I’m really hardly much of anything some days. But I swear as you drove and the wind whipped at my face, I saw the world slip by. In a haze of tears and subdued sorrow, I tried to promise myself I would not cry. I absolutely Would NOT cry.

So much for that.

You had held me the night before, brushed you soft lips upon mine and told me "Baby, no matter what, come back to this night ok? Promise me you’ll try. Promise."

And like always, I promised, thinking I would be able to handle it. I promised to go back to the night of sweet warmth and comfort, lost in your scent, knowing we were dreaming of the same things. Trying desperately not to allow my heart to know we would not have each other for many nights ahead.

You spoke of joining the Navy months ago. I never thought you would actually go. And when you came home and showed me your contract, I couldn’t deny it anymore. You had held me like you always do; kissed me as you always have. You had whispered "don’t cry baby, please don’t cry. This is for us." Oh yes, for once I faltered, I cracked and splintered, felt every single dam I had built crash as the thoughts of abandonment flood my every waking thought. Right then and there, I wanted to hate you. Wanted to scream "SO YOU TOO?? FINE GO THEN!"

But I still couldn’t do it.

Instead I broke, my face contorted streams of silent anguish and half self pity trailing down my face. I was so selfish. I was so many things.

Breaking my thoughts you grabbed my hand, the other hand steady on the wheel. And oh god did it hurt. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

"You’re my baby girl. I love you, you know that right?" you half whispered into my hand. I willed myself, YOU WILL NOT CRY. YOU WILL NOT–

And I broke. I faltered. I felt every single ounce of resistance I had surrender itself to my aching heart. First one drops, then another, one hits my hand, the other forms a trail down my cheek. And I know it’s breaking your heart. And I feel your car accelerate.

You always made me feel so alive. The wind kisses my cheeks and where the tears have streaked my makeup, I can feel it cool off. My face was burning hot from trying to resist the urge to cry. I feel you hold me tighter, and then you give up holding my hand all together and reach for my shoulder and hold me close as I start to cry again.

"Baby be a strong girl ok? Please? For me? I need you right now. I need you to be strong ok?" I hear you say somewhere above me. Your voice is growing hoarse and I know this is killing us both. I turn my face upward to give you a kiss…

…My lips are met with a single tear.

You look down at me and I can see it all in your eyes. Forever passes, and another, and another. All of the forevers in the world pass in a blurry parade and we know we’re done. There’s nothing left, our tears dry and I regain my composure.

We roll in the parking lot to wait for my parents to pick me up. And all I can see are your eyes, straining to not show your pain; not show your longing. You reach up and gently caress my face, and you give me a weak smile.

Slowly you lean in and give me the lightest of kisses and whisper "I love you. I’ll be home before you know it. Just remember to go back to our last night together, just go back and you’ll never be alone. I’ll be right there waiting for you. I promise."

…I’ll be there tonight. I hope you’re waiting.

I wrote this when my husband (then fiance) left for bootcamp. It was the first letter of the 57 I wrote and never sent. Some parts of it might come off very selfish, but hey! We’re all a little selfish at times aren’t we? Hope you enjoy! © HS Wiese

Last update : 12/27/2008 09:03 PM

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